Conflicts and patience
On the thrill of change and just letting it be
It happens that the same conflicts repeatedly come up in our interactions with people. At first, we write them off thinking we’re just different. But over time, you see the different flavors of the same problem come up. Different people, same conflicts.
There are two good ways to get rid of a problem - solve it or sweep it under a rug. Which is the best way to do it? It depends on if you did your chores in childhood when your parents’ car pulled into the driveway or when it pulled out. And if you’re like me then the best way to get rid of a problem is to sweep it under a rug and the second-best way is to solve it. But sometimes the rug of “we’re just different people” can only take so much so eventually you get habituated to look in the mirror. Control always feels better than accepting fate. It is much easier to say what can I do differently because then you are in control of increasing the probability of you succeeding. So like any logical person, I put on a white coat and I get analyzing. I ask what could I have done differently? What signs did I miss? What did I not consider? Often it makes me realize that I haven’t been following my intuition and that I need to start now or that I have been taking the easy way out and not being patient or it could just be a revelation about myself. As painful as these moments of introspection are, they are also an opportunity to recognize what needs to change, something I’m doing(or not doing) isn’t working out.
Whenever I learn something new about myself, it comes with an action item. With every action item, comes higher chances of succeeding, and hence comes hope. Of late my revelations have been that I haven’t been patient - hence I have to consciously practice being more patient. I have been rushing into getting results, I need to trust the process and not expect the results.
Whenever revelations like these occur, they bring with them an internal push. A gut mandate to change. An internal requirement to go against your own grain. If I don’t do it, I feel uneasy and restless and I never know why.
When you have been a certain way for a while, you know the familiar route, the turns, the decisions you’ll have to make - everything is familiar. So when you decide to follow through with the push to change- it can be scary. Especially for big things. You’re taking a leap into the unknown, navigating a new landscape.
At first, it feels like you’re not taking your own side. You’re a child and your regular ways are the candy. Your regular ways are instant gratification. The new route is going off it. The new route is forcing yourself to give up comfort and joy. A new turn that you have never navigated before. Once you decide to make the change, It feels like diving off a cliff when you’re doing it. The rush that you’re going to take the leap, the initial momentum, the momentary questioning of are you really going to do it, and the final leap where you’re scared all the time. Until it’s suddenly all done. The feeling of doubt and fear, the adrenalin, and finally the endorphins - it is hard to not get addicted to this cycle.
This kind of conflict makes us grow, changes us for the better. The more comfortable you get with changing rapidly, the better it is. Pivoting is the key to survival.
I love these moments. I really do. So much so that every time I come across conflict, I’m tempted to analyze and ask where I went wrong. But the other side of the conflict with people is that it is not always you that needs to change. Although it is very tempting to take control and take action and resolve it. It is hard to plainly accept that that is how things are. We are conditioned to idolize problem solvers and the people who overcame issues. And if you're logical then it is very tempting to analyze, justify and reason until it all fits together. You can do that to no avail - on and on - but there will always be some piece of the puzzle that doesn't fit it in just right. It could fit if they changed their mind, and all you want to do is show them your perspective - "here look, if you see if from here and turn your piece just a bit - we'd have a perfect board". But they want their piece where they want it and at the end of the day, it is what it is.
You can try and try and make the puzzle fit, try to push it down, smash it with a hammer, run a bulldozer over it - it doesn't matter. what is not yours will not be yours and what is yours will come to you.
Turns out life isn't a list of insurmountable problems that you mount to increase your score, it is instead - you in a car on a really long highway. It is your journey, and you’re supposed to enjoy it and keep moving forward (and rest sometimes). You can't force people to go along with you. You can’t change your route and your car and yourself every time something doesn’t fit. You just have to wait for the right people. Not all differences might turn out to be a problem. And who knows maybe the way to form close connections is to let them be loose and let them go. Eventually what is yours will be yours. But not every disagreement is a problem to solve, sometimes you just have to let it be.